WAY BACK INTO LOVE
by modscho
Summary: Ray finally has enough of Neela fooling him around and leaves her. Will what happen to him then lead him back to her? Read and find out. Will be a Reela! My first attemp with more chapters than one, so please be kind and review. Rating might change.
1. Chapter 1

WAY BACK INTO LOVE 

I don't own ER or any of the characters mentioned in here. They all belong to NBC, Warner Bros. and their show-writers. Not even the nameless soldiers are mine – they were there already in season 10 to torture a handsome Croatian doctor. Only Sharifa and Richard are mine.

I don't earn any money from that, it's just for entertainment.

It begins somewhere in early season 13, but only follows it in the first chapters. The rest is completely AU and therefore never happened in the show.

WARNING: This story contains violence and some sexuality so if you might feel disturbed by it – please don't read it.

That's why the rating might change.

A/N This one is dedicated to my sweet friend Sem who lost hope in a possible Reela-reunion, so I hope that will make up for the lack of them we had during the whole season. Thanks for the great help with that, Susie, hope you'll enjoy.

Another big thank goes to Starryjen and Dockrock for betaing this for me.

CHAPTER 1

Ray Barnett collapsed onto the sofa in the doctor's lounge. He sighed  
deeply trying to regain his composure. He was sure that he wasn't meant  
to witness it, but he had seen them – Neela (his Neela, well not  
exactly, but does it matter?) and that asshole Gates making out in the  
conference room. He wasn't sure what he had expected, but it wasn't  
Neela turning to Gates – of all people; why did it have to be him.

He had taken Pratt's advice and had given her as much time and space as  
she needed to grieve and now Ray was standing on the outside and the  
woman of his dreams had turned to the next man who was available. Ray  
was sure that she meant nothing to Gates; that she was just someone to  
warm his bed but how could he tell her? She wouldn't even listen to  
him. She was avoiding him as much as possible lately. It was like she  
dreaded to be anywhere near him. Sometimes when it was impossible to  
get away, like when a surgical consult was necessary, the tension  
between them was nearly unbearable for him and he was pretty sure other  
people had noticed as well.

Other people – there it was, his next problem. He had never wanted to be  
one of those people who let their personal life interfere with their  
professional life, but when it came to Neela he wasn't able to think  
straight anymore. They had had a heated argument in front of  
the whole staff and now everybody knew – he was madly in love with her.  
For the first time in his life he really loved a woman - but couldn't  
have her.

He had seen the pitiful looks of the staff after she had told him off.

The scene in the conference room only made it clearer to him;  
he couldn't stay here any longer. He had to leave County, leave Chicago  
and leave her if he ever wanted to save the rest of what was left of his sanity.

0-0-0-0-

Still staring at the ceiling Ray heard someone enter the lounge.

"Hey, are you okay?" Abby quietly asked.

"Sure, I've never felt better" he snapped.

"I'm sure you haven't; so what happened?"

"Leave it Lockhart, I just need to go home and catch some sleep"

He almost laughed at this thought; sleep. He hadn't slept properly since  
Neela had moved out months ago. So who was he fooling? Surely not Abby  
because she always seemed to know exactly when someone was lying.

"Liar, so are you going to tell me the truth?", she probed further.

"She's your best friend; go ask her, I'm out of here."

Just as he was about to leave he turned out; an idea came to him and he thought Abby might be able to help him after all.

"Abby, are you still in contact with Carter?"

"Not really but Luka corresponds with him from time to time; why you ask?"

"I'd like to get a hold of him; asking him something. Do you think you could get his email or a phone number for him from Luka?"

"Sure; I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks Abby."

-0-0-0-0-

Ray wasn't sure if this was the answer to his problems but he would hopefully find out soon after getting the chance to talk to Carter. He had remembered Luka saying previously that they were in need of physicians over in Africa where Carter was continuing his medical missionary work.  
Carter seemed to find the answers he needed in put his life into perspective. Maybe; just maybe he would too. Maybe helping those who were far less fortunate than him would take the focus off his own problems and the hurt would eventually disappear in time.

-0-0-0-0-

A few days later Kovac took him aside to ask him why he needed that  
e-mail-address.

"I heard you talking to Dr. Carter a while ago. He said they needed more  
doctors over there in Darfur, so I thought I take a sebatical from County and go help out over there" Ray said.

"You want to go over to Dafur? Is this because of Neela."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I just need a change."

"Well if you need some time away from County; I'm sure you have some vacation coming to you."

"I don't need a vacation Luka. I want to do something more."

"I know about wanting to do more Ray. I felt the same way; still do at times but I came to realize that I was running away from problems rather than facing them. I almost lost my life because I refused to accept the truth of why I let things get out of control."

"Are you telling me I can't have the time off?"

"Ray; If you want to help out over there; that's your choice and I can't stop you but you need to know that it's a completely different world over there. Chicago has its share of poverty and sickness but over there its far worse then anything you could possibly imagine. One thing for sure is if you manage to get out of their alive; you'll come back her a completely changed man."

"So you don't think I can do it; that I couldn't handle it over there?"

"I believe you can do anything you set your mind to do; Lord knows you were able to turn things around for your self at County when several people thought you were just another hot shot punk."

"I don't know what's going to happen over there but I just know I need a change; a big change."

Luka knew that Ray had made his mind up and there wasn't anything he could say or do to change that. Though he still had reservations about Ray going over to Africa Luka found him self telling him how to reach Carter.

-0-0-0-0-

Sooner than Ray had expected the weeks until his departure were over and  
he had to leave. Much to his relief Neela had decided to fly to England  
to visit her parents for a holiday a couple of days earlier; not that it really mattered since  
she still wasn't talking to him for the most part these day. It was probably for the best that she didn't know he was leaving and where his destination was.

There was a time when Neela and he had seemed to share just about everything. They had been more than just room mates. They had become the best of friends and he had felt more connected to her than he had been with any other woman he had dated. Unfortunately it seemed those days were gone and the time they had spent together; just a faded memory. Well at least a faded memory to her it seemed but one that continued to linger on for him. Abby and Luka promised not to tell Neela where he went.

She would find out soon enough. Maybe it would bother her, maybe not –  
he couldn't figure her out anymore. She might be a little disappointed at first that everyone knew but her but he figured she would eventually get over it and move on just like she's always done.

Part of him wanted to tell her he was going to Africa just out of the mere hope that she would beg him to stay. He knew all too well that she was the only one who could convince him to  
stay, but she wasn't here so there was no chance of that happening now.

Maybe she would be furious to find out he'd  
gone to a war zone; put his life in danger like Michael had, maybe at  
least she still cared that much for him? Ray had to stop thinking about  
it over and over again – it only made his head spin and his heart ache.  
With all his friends (well, almost all his friends) around and one last  
beer at Ike's he finished his days at County and headed home to pack.

--


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: still not mine

**A/N ****Thanks to those who read and especially to those who reviewed the last chapter. It means a great deal to me and is definitely appreciated. **

**bolt are thoughts, but I guess you'll figure that out. Please remember to tell me huge mistakes although they happen accidentally**

**On with the story ...**

CHAPTER 2

Ray arrived at Kinshasa airport after a very long and exhausting flight. The time seemed to move even slower as he stopped at every security check-point along the way. He was relieved when he finally had escaped the million of questions and was greeted by a smiling Carter.

"It's good to see you Ray. Luka wasn't happy to let you go, because he'll miss a very good doctor, but we're glad you've decided to  
come." John said.

"Yeah, like I said before, I had to leave. And I'm happy to give you a hand over here."

Ray hadn't told Carter his reasons for leaving, but maybe someday with the necessary distance it wouldn't hurt as much  
anymore and he would be able to talk about it.

During the two hour drive to the jungle Ray already felt the heat  
getting the better of him. Sweat poured from every pore of his body and  
his throat felt like he hadn't had water for weeks.

'**Yeah here you go man, that's really cool you don't even survive the drive to the hospital. Were you crazy to think you could help people? Geez man get a  
grip.'**

When dizziness reached him he finally asked for something to drink.

Carter turned to him with a bottle of water. "It's okay, it's the heat  
and the high humidity, but you'll get used to it soon enough. I felt the same way when I first got here." He smiled reassuringly.

-0-0-0-0-

Ray couldn't help but feel a little out of place when they finally reached the hospital. It was an old hut with some tents around it, rather than a  
real building, but he knew he shouldn't have expected more. He'd get used to it, Carter was right. He had to. Carter had done him a great  
favour and he wouldn't let him down.

0-0-0-0-

Back in Chicago Neela arrived at O'Hare airport.

The time with her family had helped her lot to figure things out.

Tony never really helped her. He was just some distraction to stop thinking about Michael and the guilt she was still feeling.

If only he hadn't gone back to Iraq; maybe he'd still be alive. Maybe they would have their own little family by now.

In England she haddfinally came to the realization that she needed Ray back in her life. She knew she had feelings for him much longer than she should have, but most of all she needed him as a friend. He couldn't bring Michael back, but he could hold her and comfort her.

With Gates it was impossible, but then he has helped her in another way. He had made it clear, that a soldier was a soldier for the rest of his life. And for that he would always choose duty before family.

She hailed a taxi and told the driver the address of Abby's apartment.

They nearly arrived when she suddenly decided to go to Ray's first.

The driver took a turn and after a short ride they arrived at their, _his_ she corrected herself, apartment.

She rang the knocked several times, but the apartment remained silent.

There wasn't even a second key under the doormat as it always had.

Perhaps he was still at work …. She couldn't tell his shifts anymore.

So much had changed between them. They once had been so close but lately it had seemed as if they were strangers.

Neela didn't know why it had come to this. It surely wasn't her fault, was it?

She left the building.

She would see him tomorrow at County. She needed to talk to him but figured waiting one more day wouldn't hurt. Tomorrow she told herself, tomorrow she would talk to him – maybe.

-0-0-0-0-

Tomorrow came and went.

Deep down she knew she was procrastinating, but her first day back had been so busy with operations and also with a new intern she was supposed to teach. There just hadn't been time to go down to the ER to find him.

Even if she had found the time what was she supposed to say anyway? They hadn't spoken to each other unless absolutely necessary for a few weeks now. She remembered the heated discussion they had before her vacation and fury crept over her. How dare he?

Suddenly she was sure there was nothing to apologize for; he was in the wrong, not her. Yeah he was the one who should apologize.

She would tell him too – tomorrow.

-0-0-0-0-

Neela was called down for a consult the next day.

She was a bit surprised that she didn't see Ray anywhere, but perhaps he was working on another trauma. Well she would meet up with him eventually.

But when she entered trauma 2 only Abby and Morris were on duty.

"Hi Neela, it's nice to have you back." Abby shortly hugged her before going back into professional mode.

When they finished with the victim of a shooting and the young man was stable enough to go to the OR, Neela couldn't resist asking if anybody had seen Ray. She was expecting to hear he had a day off or wouldn't be on until the graveyard shift started, but all she got in return was silence and meaningful glances between Morris and Abby.

Morris took the easiest way out, saying he had another patient to see.

'**That's just great Morris, leave it to me to tell her; you damn coward' **Abby thought.

"You want to grab a coffee, sweetie?'

"No Abby, I do not want coffee, I want to know what you're hiding from me. And don't go and tell me it's nothing, because you're acting weird."

Neela said sternly.

"Ok" Abby sighed, "But let us go to the doctors lounge."

After pouring a cup for herself; Abby sat next down to Neela.

She knew there was no easy way to break the news, so she decided to just come right out with it.

"Ray's gone Neela."

"What? What do you mean, he's gone?" Neela asked softly.

"He flew to Africa a few days ago. He's helping Carter in the hospital in Darfur" Abby stated, starring at her best friend who looked at her in utter disbelief.

"Darfur? The Congo? But …but that's a dangerous area. Why would he go there? Bloody hell; it's bad enough Michael had to go back to that holy mess; now Ray too?"

Neela was crying now. She couldn't stand to lose another man she cared about deeply; she just couldn't.

"What exactly happened between the two of you?" Abby asked gently.

"What do you mean? Nothing happened."

"Oh come on Neela; that's not true and we both know it."

It was obvious to most of us that Ray had felt more than friendship for you. Come on; tell me the truth Neela."

"I told you, nothing happened."

Neela could see by the look on Abby's face that she didn't believe a word of it.

"He's not the only one who felt that way; I do too. I felt so guilty because I fell for him while I had been with Michael. I tried to deny it so many times; to pretend that we were just friends and that was all we'd ever be. It got to the point though that it was getting harder and harder to deny it and I knew if I didn't move out of the apartment that things could have ended up going to far with Ray. I couldn't do that to Michael."

"So you had feelings for Ray but if that's the case then why hook up with Gates."

"Stop it Abby, just stop it. You have no idea how I felt and still feel. You don't know about the guilt." Tears were streaming down Neela's face. "How could you have let him go? I mean Luka almost died over there; now Ray, too?, Neela screamed.

"Luka tried to talk him out of it but you know as well as I do how stubborn Ray can be" Abby responded calmly.

-0-0-0-0-

After exiting the lounge; Neela chose to leave work early She couldn't think straight. She knew she had work to do upstairs but she just couldn't concentrate on work right now. .

Enroute to the EL; Neela's mind was racing..

'**Stupid wanker! How the hell dare he.'**

Though a voice inside her told her that Ray's leaving was partly her fault but just as she had done many times before; Neela chose to ignore that voice. Unfortunately it was getting harder and harder to ignore and even Abby seemed to see through her façade. Neela was torn between what her heart was saying and her unrelenting pride. This round in the battle raging inside her went to her pride.

--

**Please review and make me happy...**


	3. Chapter 3

Hi

**Hi! Here comes another chapter :-) **

**I'm sorry, I know it's short, but I'll try to make up for that next time.**

**Thanks to all who took the time to read and even more so to those who reviewed - who were starryjen, updates-please, Little Miss Sci-Fi and butterflyswest.**

**This is definitely appreciated! And Sammy you know how much your help means to me.**

**Are you guys as excited as I am about these fantastic news? For those who want to remain spoilerfree I won't tell more, but for all the others I was nearly speechless and I guess so were you. :-))**

Chapter 3

Three months had passed since Ray's arrival in Darfur.

The heat was still hard to live with, but most of the time he was too busy to be distracted by it.

Work here was so different from all that he ever had experienced.

They had barely enough equipment let alone enough meds for all the different diseases.

At County he'd work much harder to save a patient's life. He'd have access to all the meds he'd need to stabilize and save the patient most of the time.

Over here he had to decide which patients were realistically able to be saved and which ones pretty much had one foot in the grave already before he even had a chance to see them.

Carter had promised him he'd get used to it, but he wasn't so sure he would ever get use to all this.

When another little kid passed away because he wasn't able to help in time, he simply lost it.

Ray started laughing for fear of breaking down and crying; tears threatening to escape. Suddenly he couldn't breathe anymore. He tried to steady him self against the wall of the tent, but the dizziness took over and soon all he saw was darkness.

-0-0-0-0-

Ray felt hands gently holding him up, shaking him slightly.

He opened his eyes again when he felt his lips being moistened with liquid.

Ray tried to sit up but a woman's voice told him to lay back down and rest.

"Are you ok; Dr. Ray? The African nurse Sharifa asked him.

"I … I don't know. I was fine one moment and then I just…lost control. I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry about" Sharifa reassured him.

"Even those of us who've been here for years still get sick from all of the disease and dying."

"But I'm used to trauma; I should be able to keep it together" Ray tried to contradict.

"I'm here to help, instead now I'm the one who needs help."

-0-0-0-0-

Carter walked into the room a few minutes later and saw Ray still sitting on the ground.

"What happened?" He asked softly.

"It's nothing, I'm okay" Ray answered, but when he tried to stand up he still felt a little light headed.

"That's ok; you just sit here and rest a while longer. You've been working non-stop since you got here. You need to learn to pace your self; when to take a short break now and then." Carter helped Ray up and back to his tent.

0-0-0-0-

Ray couldn't tell how much time had passed when he saw Sharifa enter his room.

"You want me to stay here tonight, Dr. Ray?" she whispered.

"I don't know …. I" Ray stuttered.

Sharifa slowly walked over and sat down next to Ray on the bed. Without saying a word she took his hand in hers and placed it gently on her thigh**.**

Suddenly Ray felt the overwhelming need to be close to somebody.

Without saying another word Ray crushed her mouth with his; kissing her, almost violently, with a raw hunger that came from deep inside him. As they feverishly ran their hands over each other's sweat-glistened bodies, Ray tore at Sharifa's clothes; almost tearing them. Sharifa did not care, as the ache to feel his body next to hers overcame any sense of logic.

As much as he wanted this to be gentle and caring, he knew it couldn't be.

Forgoing any further foreplay, Ray pushed Sharifa down onto the bed and entered her effortlessly; a sharp cry of pleasure escaping their lips.

Ray silenced her cries as his mouth ravaged hers over and over again. With each powerful thrust their passion mounted.

Their heated union ended as abruptly as it began as they came in a climatic moment. In the aftermath, they lay silent; their sweat-soaked bodies intertwined.

As his breathing slowed Ray whispered in her ear,"I'm sorry, Sharifa. I didn't mean it to be ….like that. I …."

Sharifa silenced Ray by pressing her fingers to his lips, "Shhh, it's ok Ray; I understand."

--

**Thanks for reading ... now you could make me even more happier when you push the little button!**


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: sadly, but still not mine

**Here's chapter four for you to read - hope you'll enjoy**

**And again thanks for reading and for reviewing - you guys are great!**

**Jenny - you rock!**

The time passed and Neela moved on with her life as if nothing had ever happened. If she didn't think about it, it wouldn't be true. That was how she had always handled problems and that was how she would continue. The little voice inside was still there, reminding her that Ray might be dying over there, but whenever it reared up she would hunt it back down. It was his decision for god's sake, why couldn't her heart stop telling her otherwise?

She knew that her friends at work talked about him from time to time, but the conversations always stopped short whenever she appeared. She couldn't tell if it was because her friends were trying to protect her or maybe because they were blaming her for his departure, did it really matter in the end? He was gone for good and she would move on.

That she was still with Tony wasn't intentional, he just happened to be there at a time when she couldn't be alone. It was only lust that bound them, that and convenience, they didn't even truly care about each other - she knew that all to well, she only admitted it in some rare moments when she was being honest with herself.

0-0-0-0-

A day that thankfully wasn't as bad as most of the others came to its end and the crew was sitting in one of the tents having some food together.

Ray was extremely quiet, looking almost absent-minded.

"You okay?" Carter asked, approaching him.

"I'm fine, just thinking"

"About something or rather someone? Look Ray, I know it's none of my business, but you never gave me an exact reason for coming here"

"You're right, it's none of your business" Ray snapped, but added almost instantly "Sorry, I didn't mean that. I know you're just trying to help"

Maybe it was time to allow himself to think about Neela again, not that he'd ever stopped. The thoughts of her were always there, lingering in his subconscious.

"I fell in love with a girl, who didn't feel the same about me. End of story" Ray said shortly, with a voice full of despair.

"End of story?" Carter asked disbelievingly "There was more to it, wasn't it?"

"She pushed me away when all I ever wanted was to be her friend and she broke my heart all over again when she threw herself at somebody who simply isn't worthy of her"

"I'm guessing we're talking about Dr. Rasgotra, aren't we?" Carter asked.

"How do you … Luka, I'm gonna kill him"

"You should give him some more credit, Ray. It wasn't Luka, it was me who had seen you looking at her, when I was at County last time. The rest was just some clever guesswork and maybe some ability to judge a human character""

""Yeah Neela ….. I love her and she couldn't do anything better than to screw that ass Gates. I couldn't stand seeing them together all the time anymore, that's why I left Chicago and came here. Look, I don't want to be rude, but I'd rather not talk about her …. It still hurts too much"

"I understand, but if you ever need a friend, you know I'm here" with that Carter left him and went back to the others.

0-0-0-0-

Ray and John were working hard to save a young woman after she had a stroke in a mine. They were sure they had to amputate her right leg, but they couldn't start the operation since the woman had crashed several times already.

"We have to try harder, John. She's too young to die" Ray almost begged. He would say a prayer, but he had tried many times and it hadn't worked. A place like this surely was abandoned by God anyway … how else could something as bad happened?

Ray heard Sharifa cry out and then footsteps arrived soon after. Harsh commands were screamed into the room. Ray couldn't understand them all, but "down" was very clearly one of them.

He couldn't get down, the young woman would certainly die if he stopped working on her. He continued until he felt a gun at his back and rough hands pushing him down. He struggled, but the two soldiers were simply too strong for him.

Ray knew he shouldn't try to get up again, but he couldn't let the woman die.

She probably would anyway now that the rebels were here, but he had to try. He moved slowly while the soldiers looked around the place, but suddenly he felt a boot connecting with his jaw and he fell back.

He cautiously felt his jaw. It was sore, but in one piece. He was dimly aware of Carter next to him and thought maybe he could get his attention, but they couldn't fight these guys, there were too many and they had guns.

"You okay?" Carter whispered.

"Yeah, it's just sore, I don't think it's broken" Ray replied.

"Shut up" the soldier next to him shouted.

'**Do they have to scream that loud?' **Ray thought. '**For the patient's sake they could try to be a little more careful'** but he knew it was wishful thinking.

The patient wouldn't survive this and most likely wouldn't they either. He just hoped it wouldn't last too long.

-0-0-0-0-

The hours passed and they were still squeezed in the middle of the room with their heads on their knees. It was getting colder with every hour and Ray was getting desperately thirsty. He hadn't had water for hours now and he knew that dizziness from the dehydration would kick in soon. He was already shivering from the cold and in pain from the unnatural position he had to keep his body in.

More soldiers had arrived. They shattered the equipment and the radio set (their only contact to the world outside) and shot the patients who were weak in their eyes. Ray couldn't take it any more, with every gunshot he felt his heart break a little more. Dealing with that was much harder than being in any physical pain.

One of the soldiers brought water and they all drank it greedily. They knew they should be careful, the water could be infected, but after such a long time their throats were hoarse and longed for some fluid, any fluid.

Suddenly two guards approached him and he was yanked to his feet.

"Outside" they shouted.

"Stop, wait, what are you doing?" Carter tried to interfere, but when a weapon connected with the back of his head he was knocked unconscious and fell to the floor.

They dragged Ray to the cupboard that Carter stored the meds in and smashed it as well. They then took all the meds and pushed him out of the building. He nearly fell down the stairs, but they didn't release their vicelike grip on him, not even when they pushed him to a truck standing nearby.

"Get up"

'**God why am I feeling so dizzy?' **He could hardly see any more, the dizziness was overwhelming.

Once he had managed to crawl into the truck his two guides slammed him to the ground and tied his hands behind his neck. He couldn't help moaning, which only made them tighten the chains. They were laughing and kicking him with their boots now. They weren't hard blows, but he could still feel his ribs protesting against them. He knew he could face the pain, but could he live with the fear?

Ray couldn't tell how much time had passed when the truck stopped.

"You – get up" one of the soldiers shouted at him.

As much as he wanted to obey he just couldn't seem to move any more. Everything around him was blurred and the fear was chilling him to the bones. Was this how he was going to die? Utterly alone?

--

**Sorry, couldn't resist to try a little cliffhanger here :P**

**Reviews are loooooove ...**


	5. Chapter 5

**Once again I want to say thank you for reading and reviewing.**

Disclaimer: unfortunately not mine, but if so I'd be rich and famous:D

Big hug to my great beta Jenny, thanks girl!

**Here's chapter 5**

Ray heard voices complaining and then he was roughly pulled to his feet. His muscles screamed at the effort and he fought the urge to cry out in pain. He was brought into a sticky room and someone put a bottle of water to his mouth. He was desperately thankful for that, trying to drink slowly but finding it too hard when he was so thirsty.

Once his vision cleared he saw a boy lying on the ground with a deep cut on his arm.

"Help him" One of the soldiers ordered and then he was pushed down to his knees again. He felt the chains being released, but his arms were numb and he couldn't react as fast as they wanted him to.

He could tell that the boy was most likely suffering from a sepsis, his body was sweaty and hot and the cut on his arm was looking infected. He was pretty sure a few pills wouldn't be enough to save his life, but he couldn't do anything more here.

"He needs to go to the hospital, probably needs an operation" Ray tried to explain, but was cut off abruptly.

"No hospital, you help him"

'**Yeah, just ask me for a miracle' **Ray almost laughed bitterly.

He mixed some antibiotics with the water and then tried to help the boy to sit up and drink the mixture.

This was never going to work, he was sure, but it was his only chance right now, if he just could make the boy survive a little longer his friends may find him.

His friends, he didn't even know if they were still alive. There were still soldiers there when he was taken away, so they could have easily been killed by now, but he couldn't think like that.

Once the child had finished the glass Ray was taken away again.

"Who's that kid? What happened to him?" Ray tried to make them talk to him, but his keepers remained silent until they reached another hut.

"Down" the soldier standing next to him shouted.

**'Please, don't do that again'**

He twisted Ray's arms behind his back, making him gasp in pain, before he tied them again.

After some time weakness and the chills overwhelmed him.

'I just need to lie down for a second' was his last thought. Then he collapsed to the floor and fell deeper and deeper into a welcomed darkness.

-0-0-0-0-

John awoke with a throbbing pain in his head. He slowly opened his eyes and saw Sharifa sitting next to him. She seemed to be uninjured. When he tried to get up she snapped out of her paralysis.

"Dr. John, thank God, you're awake. I was so scared when you wouldn't wake up." She said with unshed tears glistening in her eyes.

John shook his head several times trying to get the nausea away. He was so grateful that the rebels hadn't taken her with them. He remembered that his last thought before he fell unconscious was regarding her and what most likely would happen to her. But yet she was sitting next to him, scared to death, but apart from that not injured.

Carter slowly got up and then wandered over to the next room leaving Sharifa behind. He knew their patients were dead and she didn't need to see the bodies. He hadn't seen Ray yet and a strange sensation in his stomach told him he wouldn't find him here. The soldiers had taken him, he was certain. And the thinking about that made him sick. He had promised Luka to care of him - and had failed miserably.

He knew for his and Sharifa's sake they should leave this place, what once was a hospital, and try to reach the capital where they would be safer. But he couldn't leave - not until he knew what had happened to Ray. He would take Sharifa out of this zone - he knew the soldiers would come back to destroy what they had left and he couldn't risk losing Sharifa then.

John almost laughed out in utter surprise when he saw that his jeep was still standing in the same place. But when he reached it he saw the tyres were flat.

**Why are you dissapointed? You can't have expected to find the car in one piece, not in all seriousness'** he thought.

0-0-0-0-

Ray jolted awake when someone poured cold water over his body and then brutal hands were pulling him up again. For a moment he was completely confused and couldn't remember what had happened, but then the awful reality set in.

One rebel kicked the sharp butt of his rifle into the flesh of his back.

**'So that's it. They're going to kill me now. A shot from behind. They can't even look at me.'**

He broke out in a cold sweat and then suddenly he felt his body going gratefully numb - he wished desperately that he could turn his mind off as well. The unbearable fear was almost suffocating him.

**'Don't show them what they are doing to you. Don't move, stay calm'** he repeated over and over like a mantra, but his still trembling shape belied his intentions.

A vision appeared in front of his closed eyes - he and Neela at Sam's birthday-party a year ago. They were still close then - and suddenly he knew if life would just give him another chance, and he survived this, he'd go back and fight for her.

The seconds dragged by and Ray waited for the finale, his heart racing fiercely ….

--

**Reviews are a writer's motivation to continue - so press the botton**

**And updates-please, you're right, I enjoyed the cliffi and so this one is esp. for you :D**


	6. Chapter 6

...still not mine

**A/N As always thanks for reading and reviewing - you really made my day, fellows.**

**Here's the next installment**

Chapter 6

_The seconds dragged by and Ray waited for the finale, his heart racing fiercely_ ...

but nothing happened. Instead two other soldiers came over, punching him hard in the stomach, and he doubled over. All the air rushed from his lungs and suddenly he couldn't breathe any more. He felt their boots connecting with his ribs over and over until they cracked and he cried out in pain.

His torturers watched satisfied as the pain clouded his eyes. Then they left.

Ray couldn't tell if he was thankful for still being alive, he couldn't think at all. He had almost made peace with his life, the thought of Neela comforting him more than anything else ever could.

He drifted in and out of sleep, fantasizing feverishly from dehydration and overheating.

Now that they knew how to use the antibiotics they didn't even bother to look at him let alone bring any water. He couldn't even tell how many hours had passed since they had left him in the dirt. His body felt like it had been set on fire, screaming in pure agony and all he could do was to pray for death to escape the pain.

0-0-0-0-

Neela and Tony returned home from dinner at some Indian restaurant that Neela had discovered some days ago. The food was delicious and for once they'd had a conversation that actually lasted as long as it took them to eat, that it was about work didn't matter.

Neela knew that she wouldn't be going home that night. The sex with Tony was good, so there was no need to go back to an empty apartment, only to be alone, was there?

It would just end with too many thoughts going round in her mind and too little sleep any way. Her subconscious kept telling her that something was going to happen to Ray, like it had to Michael, and she felt too weak to deal with it. Was she really sinking that low, that only sex could stop her mind from reeling?

Tony started kissing and touching her, her body reacting to the passion and her mind went blank.

It happened just when he reached climax, the name he cried out wasn't hers.

**'Did he just call me Meg? Who the fuck is that?'** For a moment she was too shocked to realize the full impact of what had happened, but fury kicked in very quickly.

She slapped him hard across the face before he could react, letting her anger get the better of her. "Who the hell is Meg? And don't you dare to say no one!"

"Look Mayday,.."

"Gates!"

"Meg was my best friend's wife. When Danny was killed in Iraq I promised him I'd take care of his wife and their little daughter."

"Take care?" Neela almost shouted, "is that what you call screwing your best friends wife? You're such a bloody idiot!"

With that she got out of his bed and hastily pulled on her clothes to leave his apartment as fast as she could.

0-0-0-0-

John worked at the car until it was too dark to see any more. He'd get back to it just after sunrise, but for tonight he knew he should catch up on some sleep. On his way through the building earlier he had found a weapon with some cartridges still in. Just in case the rebels came back he'd sleep with it at his side.

He found Sharifa still sitting in the same place he had left her hours ago. She still looked shaken, but he'd get her out of that hell as soon as possible. He had too much to worry about at the moment, he couldn't add her to the list as well.

"Try to get some sleep, Sharifa. They won't come back tonight" he tried to reassure her.

Sharifa crawled closer to him and then exhaustion became too much for her to stay awake longer. As much as Carter would love to have found peace in sleep as well, he was too terrified to relax.

When dawn finally arrived John was already out to finish repairing the car.

He woke Sharifa two hours later and they left the hospital to take her back to Kinshasa, where she'd be safe. He'd come back to save his friend. Or to bring his body home, the idea was too dreadful to think about.

0-0-0-0-

John felt utterly relieved when they arrived at the hospital in Kinshasa. He went to his friend's office to make a telephone-call to Chicago.

"Hey John - what are you doing here? God, you look terrible, are you okay?"

"Richard. It's nice to see you. Would you mind me calling Luka in Chicago? And could you take care of Sharifa? I'll explain everything later"

"Sure, I'll leave you alone for a while. I need to go do my rounds anyway"

With those words he left, leaving a crushed John behind.

Carter had no idea what he could possibly tell Luka, but he knew his friend would want to know what had happened.

He dialled the number for about the tenth time, always cutting the connection before the first ring. Then he gathered his courage and this time waited until the phone was picked up.

"County General ..."

"Frank, this is Dr. Carter. I need to speak to Dr. Kovac, is he around?" John interrupted the muffled speech.

"Dr. Carter, how are you doing?"

"Please, Frank, if Luka is around … It's an emergency"

"Okay, hang on, I'm changing lines"

Too soon for John's liking he heard Luka's voice, sounding pleased to hear him yet puzzled.

"Luka, are you alone? I need to talk to you privately"

"Yes, I'm at the doctor's lounge. John, did something happen? You sound awful"

"Look, I... I don't know where to start. The hospital was attacked. Some rebels shot the patients - destroyed almost everything... and they..."

"They did what John? Just talk to me." Luka pleaded. Something terrible had happened he knew that when he first picked up the telephone receiver. He just wouldn't allow himself to think about that.

"They have taken Ray with them. Luka, I'm afraid he might be dead. I'm sorry."

Suddenly the line went dead and left a numb-feeling Luka sitting there - the receiver still in his hands.

0-0-0-0-

That was how Abby found him minutes later.

"Hey Luka, what..."

Luka was startled out of his numbness abruptly, the receiver crashed to the ground.

"Luka, what happened? And don't say nothing" Abby demanded.

"That was John. There was an ambush... the hospital... Ray..."

Abby couldn't get a coherent sentence from him, but without him telling her she could tell what most likely had happened.

"Oh shit, is he still alive?" she whispered.

No, this couldn't happen - she couldn't tell Neela that her best friend died the same way her husband had. This was just too cruel.

0-0-0-0-

Minutes, hours or even days might have passed - Ray couldn't tell. He had been in an utterly beautiful place, had felt at peace, but now that he was conscious again and back to the hell they had locked him in, he wanted nothing more than go back to darkness.

He heard footsteps coming near and whimpered silently, curling into a ball as much as his battered body would allow in a helpless attempt to protect him self.

His kidnappers approached in front of him, pulling him to his feet.

**'Please Lord you can't let this happen again. Take me away, please'** he prayed silently.

As much as he wished he could fight them, he was too weak to do anything to them. His knees buckled and gave way under him and if it wasn't for their firm grip on him he would have crashed to the ground.

Since he wasn't capable of walking they simply dragged him

"No please, not again." He uttered helpless.

But this time they hadn't come to beat him - instead they showed some signs of mercy when they moistened his cracked lips with water. Ray couldn't fathom their sudden change in mood. He could only glare, the hatred he was feeling for them clear in his once shiny eyes.

They shoved him into the tent and the boy he had treated earlier was there - looked much better. So he had saved that kids life, and in return would lose his own over this. He would have laughed at the irony of the situation but he felt too broken.

--

**I couldn't kill Ray off, could I? I love that guy ways too much to let him die :P**


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I'd love to tell you I own Shane West, but then I wouldn't have the time to write :D

so nothing's mine

**Chapter 7**

Abby knew she should try to find Neela, but she dreaded it at the moment. She had no idea how her friend would possibly react to the news. Yet she wanted her to hear it from a friend, it was the least Abby could do.

Neela was on her way to the grocery store when her pager went off calling her for a consult in the ER. She cringed inwardly, she had tried to stay away from it mostly because she didn't feel like seeing Gates. Their last encounter still fresh in her mind she had refused to talk to him, though he had tried a few times. She sighed deeply giving in to the inevitable and went back.

When she reached the desk she said to Frank "I've been called down for a consult. What happened?"

Frank just shrugged his shoulders and pointed out to Abby standing at the lounge door. Neela could tell she was upset even from where she was standing.

She slowly walked over wondering briefly what could have happened.

When she arrived she saw Luka sitting in the lounge also.

"Abby, what's wrong? Is Joe okay?"

"Joe?" Abby asked bewildered. She hadn't even thought that her friend would suggest that something had happened to her son.

She nodded. "Joe's fine, but Neela..."

Neela simply stared at her, a single tear escaping her eyes as she began to realize what Abby wanted to tell her.

"Is he dead?" she whispered.

"He's missing" Luka added, but it was as if she had forgot he was still in the same room.

"Abby, tell me, is he dead?" Neela demanded.

"We don't know honey. He's missing" Abby said whilst putting her arms around her best friend's shoulders to comfort her.

Neela took in a shuddering breath trying to compose herself and then started to leave. She wiped the tear away angrily. No, she wouldn't cry. He was missing, not certainly dead. He was a fighter, so he would make it through.

"I need to go back. I have patients to treat" she said with one last look at Abby and then she left.

"Give her some time" Abby heard Luka say when she went to follow.

She leaned into him, seeking the comfort his hug always gave her "Luka, I don't know if Neela is strong enough to go through this again"

0-0-0-0-

Neela almost stormed to the elevators. She had to get out of here. She pushed the button with just a little bit too much effort, the only sign of her inner turmoil. She had an operation to attend and she would do exactly that. There was no better way to become focused again and she desperately needed something to calm her messy mind.

Her hands were shaking visible as she prepared herself for the coming event.

"Neela, are you okay?" You're trembling" she heard her attending say.

"I'm fine, Lucien. Just let us start"

"No Neela, I don't know what happened, but you can't assist in the state you're in right now."

"Go and try to relax and I will call for Dusty to help me."

"Please, don't do that. I'm perfectly fine. I can work." Neela tried one last attempt, but knew it was forlorn.

She thought about going back downstairs briefly. She could ask Abby for more information, but to do that would mean to actually deal with it and she had decided not to do so when she had left the lounge. Denial was so much easier.

Maybe it was only a very bad nightmare and she would wake up any second. Maybe he would come around the corner in a moment, smiling sadly at her like he had been for the last couple of months. Maybe... just maybe...

She needed to get out of here and go to the one place that always had been her place to hide - the roof.

When she stepped out of the elevator she suddenly could see herself standing exactly at the same place only months earlier. Wasn't it enough that she'd had to bury her husband? Did she really need to add Ray to her guilt also? Slowly her tears started to threaten again.

0-0-0-0-

It was two hours later that Abby found her still standing at the edge and watching the city.

"Neela?"

She swung around at the sound of Abby's voice, hastily wiping over her face to dry the still visible dampness.

"Abby, what are you doing here? Wasn't your shift over hours ago?"

"I've waited for you. Do you want to grab a drink at Ike's on your way home?"

"I'd rather be alone"

Normally Abby wasn't one who'd interfere with other people's lives, but this time she felt Neela really needed a push to get out of her self-created bubble.

"No Neela, it's time for you to face some facts. You can't run away every time something happens that might not be fitting into your perfect little idea of life" she glared.

Then she took her hand and made her follow.

0-0-0-0-

On their way through the ambulance bay they saw Tony jogging in their direction.

"Hey Mayday I'll be off in a few minutes. Wanna come by then?"

Neela stifled the urge to roll her eyes at him, and said "No, Tony, I won't come by - it's over." It was the moment you called me Meg", she added silently.

"What? Why? Is it because of Meg?"

"No. Okay, maybe, but it's mostly because I don't love you and you don't love me"

"But we can work it out. We just need more time"

"No Tony it's over. And please stop calling me Mayday"

There was only one man she had ever allowed to call her a stupid nickname and he was gone. In this moment Neela swore to herself that if destiny gave him back to her she would help him through the hell his life had become.

--

**A/N Sorry there wasn't any sign of Ray, but he'll be back next chapter - I promise**

**Reviews are addictive - so please review and make me happy **


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I'm poor so this doesn't belong to me ... Neelas thoughts are from the song "Lonely life" of a new German band called "Stanfour" -check it out, it's good.

**Have fun with chapter 8 guys ...**

Abby came home a few hours later to find Luka pacing the living-room.

"Where have you been, God dammit! I've been trying to reach you, your shift was over hours ago and your cell's dead." Luka hissed.

Abby sighed. "I've been at Ike's with Neela. I thought she needed a friend. Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to …."

It was then that she saw his packed bag in the corner. "Luka, what is going on?"

"I've talked to Carter again tonight and he asked me to go there and help him. The flight goes in two hours and my taxi should be arriving any minute."

"What? When did you decide to go? I mean, I …I understand your need to go, but would you have told me if I hadn't been back in time?" Abby asked incredulously.

"That's why I've been trying to reach you! Look, I don't want to get into a fight now. I'll be back soon."

With that he took his bag and they both headed outside to the already waiting car.

"Just promise me to you'll be careful. I've almost lost you once over there – I couldn't live with that again." Abby whispered and kissed him goodbye.

0-0-0-0-

Abby didn't sleep well that night. Too many thoughts were running through her head and she couldn't stop worrying about Luka. What she had said to him earlier was true, she understood his desire to go and help Carter, she knew he felt responsible for Ray and the fact that it was him who had let him go, but what if something happened to him again. He had a family now, he just couldn't risk his life like he had years ago.

0-0-0-0-

Luka knew he should try to sleep during the flight, because the next days would be exhausting and he would need his strength, but his mind was running on overdrive and he couldn't relax. It wasn't just that he was worried about Ray, he was also haunted by his own terrifying memories. He had nearly died there and even though he wouldn't admit it to someone else he was scared – deeply scared.

Somehow he felt relieved when he reached his destination. Anything was better than the incredible uncertainty.

"Hey man" Carter greeted him.

"You look better than I feel" Luka tried to joke, but they both knew it was only to cover up the tension.

"What do we know?"

"Look Luka, I know this must be hard on you after everything you experienced here last time and I'm really thankful you came over, but …."

"Don't, John. There's no need to get into that now. The priority is to find Ray and then we'll leave this place." Luka said with a determined look on his face.

John could see deeper than that and he knew that his friend was terrified, but he also knew that Luka wouldn't admit it. At least not now ….Later, when they were safe again, maybe - if ever.

0-0-0-0-

Abby felt like she hadn't slept at all when she got up to get ready for work. She had no idea how long she would have to handle everything alone and she knew that it wouldn't help much to be constantly worried, but yet she couldn't stop.

She saw Neela coming down from the El and decided to wait for her.

"Luka left for Darfur" she spilled after a short greeting.

Neela felt somewhat relieved to hear that, if anyone could help Ray then it was Luka. But with one look at Abby it dawned on her that the relief she felt must be the opposite of what Abby felt. "Oh Abby I'm sorry, it's selfish of me to feel good about that. I just thought about what was best for Ray and never really considered your feelings."

"It's okay. We're all worried about Ray. And Luka will be careful" Abby whispered and wished she felt as convinced as she sounded.

0-0-0-0-

When Neela returned home from work that day she was determined to think about her feelings for Ray. He deserved that at least. She wasn't sure if he would return, but she had to hope he would – Luka had survived it four years ago, so why shouldn't Ray? Fate couldn't be so cruel and steal him from her, not now when she was realising that she wanted him to be a part of her life.

She snuggled onto her couch and let her thoughts fly. "**Would it be so hard to let yourself feel something? Would it be so strange to let yourself go? Would it be such a drag just to finally let somebody get inside your lonely life?"**

It would be hard, she was sure of that, now probably even harder than she would have ever imagined, but then wasn't it as hard to live the lonely life she did? She was hitting her 30's, other people her age were already married or had kids and she had nothing but her job. There had to be more to life than that, but then turning to Ray would mean to stop pretending. She was sure it had to be all or nothing with them which led her back to her first thoughts. Was she willing to give all of her to him? What if it went wrong? What if her feelings weren't strong enough?

0-0-0-0-

Ray couldn't remember a time he had felt worse than now. He had believed that the heartache he was going through was bad, but now it seemed like a pleasant walk in the sunshine to him compared to this.

He had hoped and prayed for an end to the excruciating pain, but his body refused to give up on life.

Physically he still existed, but mentally he was on the very edge of his breaking point, if not over it.

He heard footsteps coming closer, but he didn't even bother to turn his head. They would do to him whatever they had in mind - he couldn't do anything to prevent it. And he had learned the hard way that struggling wouldn't make it any better.

He couldn't stop himself from flinching though when a hand touched his shoulder and someone whispered to him in a language he didn't understand.

When he looked up the boy crouched in front of him and gesticulated to him to eat and drink.

--

**What do you think? Good, bad, none of it? Please review and let me know ...**


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanx for all the nice reviews and alerts - everyone always makes my day guys.**

Disclaimer: as always

**Chapter 9**

Lost in thought; Ray was startled by the boy who without saying a word held a bottle of water in front of him.

"Why?" Ray croaked. But the boy gave him an inscrutable look and then brought the bottle to his lips.

Though hesitant at first; Ray gave into his undying thirst and accepted the cool water. As soon as it was given; the water was taken away. Instead of walking away the boy took a spoonful of rice and brought it up to his lips. Ray silently took the food though felt his stomach convulse with aching spasms. It had been so long since Ray had any food in his stomach and he felt as if he would wretch if he ate another bite.

The boy seemed to understand though and replaced the rice with more water before he left.

Though no words were spoken by the frail boy; Ray allowed himself to be cared for in this simple manner.

The kid came pretty regularly from then on - he never said anything, but brought water and some food. Though Ray longed to hear a human voice; he knew he was not in a position to be greedy; he would take any act of kindness; no matter how small the gesture.

Though he had come to the point of praying for death; an end to this senseless torture; Ray had managed to hold on and not give up. Some parts of him clung to the mere chance of surviving this - he knew the chances were slim even with food and fluids, but if he lost this glimmer of hope and broke down now, it would be over.

He had lasted this long and he would be damned if he was going to just lay down and die; not now; not ever.

0-0-0-0

Some days later Neela finally caught up with Abby in the ambulance bay.

"Please tell me there's some news" she practically begged her best friend, but Abby just shook her head.

"I wish I could tell you something, but all I know is that they are still in the capital trying to make arrangements. They could have ventured out into the wild by now in search of Ray but I honestly don't know. Communication with Luka has not been the greatest."

And not knowing what was going on there scared her. The memories of the last time Luka was missing were all too vivid in her mind.

Neela's voice stilled her reeling thoughts momentarily.

"I guess it's time for me to stop pretending. You were right I really should face some facts, he deserves that at least. I just don't know if I can handle it" she sighed. "What if what ever's happened there has changed him and his feelings for me?"

"Dammit Neela, of course it's changed him. Life there changes people even without something this awful happening. But I think you're underestimating his feelings for you. Or perhaps you just want to believe they aren't strong enough, because then you wouldn't need to open up yourself. Didn't you just say you want to stop pretending? Then do it and be there for him when he returns." Abby wasn't sure if she should scream or laugh.

This was ridiculous and God knows she had tried to understand and respect her friend's feelings, but Ray was her friend too. Truth was Abby was tired of hearing the same words over and over again and she knew that Neela had to face the truth sometime. She had to live in reality and stop running away if she ever hoped for a future with Ray.

Besides she really didn't feel strong enough to deal with both her own fears and Neela's at the same time.

"Neela, do you love him? And please for once be honest with me and yourself."

Neela brushed past her "Just leave it, I don't want to talk about it"

"That's your problem; you never want to talk about it." Abby retorted. She wouldn't drop it this time.

"What do you want to hear? I've already told you how I feel; what more do you want from me?" Neela replied as loud.

"I want you to be honest with yourself for once in your life Neela." Abby added, softer now.

"Yes … yes, I love him." Neela admitted in an emotionally shaky voice.

Neither Neela nor Abby knew just what condition Ray would come back in; physically as well as emotionally if Luka and Carter should be successful in finding him and bringing him back home to Chicago. Just the same; she wondered if Neela would be strong enough to handle it all; to be able to honestly be there for Ray.

0-0-0-0

John and Luka had arrived at the hospital. The smell that hit them just outside the building almost made them retch and they were searching for something to cover their noses and mouths.

John had known that the place would be a mess, but the extent shocked him deeply.

The bodies still lay everywhere, bloodied and swarmed with hundred of flies and already rotting in the heat.

Maybe he had suppressed the knowledge of this in his haste to save Sharifa, but now that he was faced with it again he knew he couldn't handle it alone. If he wanted to rebuild the clinic he would need help.

0-0-0-0-

Not one of his capturers had paid attention to him since the day they had brought him to the tent to see the healed kid. But now suddenly one of them - with the boy in tow - came to him and pointed a gun in his face.

"Get up" he grumbled.

Ray struggled, but he somehow managed to stand up; swaying on unsteady legs.

"W…What, wait – no" Ray tried to scream but the words would not come out.

The soldier laughed coldly, ready to pull the trigger, when the kid jumped right in front of him, shouting angry words at the man.

Alerted by this more men came over joining in the heated discussion.

Ray felt his legs give way beneath him as he tumbled to the ground.

He watched in pure horror at the scene unfolding in front of him. He couldn't understand their language, but this was about him, he was sure.

After all this time they were about to kill him. The small act of kindness by the silent child was nothing more than a ruse; a delaying of the inevitable fate that lay ahead. He had survived their torture but now it didn't matter.

He fought hard to keep the tears away.

As soon as the argument began; it abruptly stopped. Without further word, the soldier yanked Ray up off the ground and shoved him towards a truck that was waiting nearby.

He was shaking uncontrollably. Despite the little boy running after him to try and offer some comfort to Ray; he couldn't stop the trembling that was ravaging his body.

0-0-0-0-

Soon after the car had stopped one of the soldiers dropped Ray out and they vanished back into the jungle leaving him behind.

He was free, back to the place they had kidnapped him from, but he couldn't comprehend that.

He collapsed at the same place he had landed on in the vain hope someone would find him.

--

**Reviews are always very welcome, no matter if good or bad**


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: nothing's mine

**I'm really really sorry it took me ages to finally come back and then with only such a short chapter, but real life put it ugly claws on me and took away all my time to write. So I decided to post this and don't let all my lovely readers wait any longer. **

**Here comes chapter 10 hope you'll fun reading it ....**

Hearing the rumbling of a car engine coming from off in the distance; Luka and Carter decided to lay low. Not knowing who was in the truck; Luka and Carter wanted to hide out to avoid being seen. Though it wasn't very likely that the soldiers would come back since they had shattered everything that was at any use for them, they couldn't be sure of that.

The truck stopped abruptly; after that a muffled thud was heard as if something had been thrown to the ground. Soon after they heard the squealing of tires as the truck drove off into the darkness.

They waited silently for a couple of minutes before slowly making their way towards the entrance to the camp.

Though their visibility was low; they could make out a form lying motionless on the ground between some nearby bushes.

"What the hell? Luka come over here … hurry" Carter screamed.

Luka ran over to where Carter was crouched down. Lying before them was the body of a badly wounded and bloodied man.

"Oh my God", the words stuck in Carter's throat as the realization finally hit him

Moving in closer to get a better look; Luka too saw who the man was and immediately fell to his knees; searching for a pulse.

After a moment he exhaled the breath he didn't even know he was holding when he found a weak and thready pulse; but a pulse none the less.

"Come on Carter, help me." He yelled.

As Carter and Luka worked to check out the extent of his injuries; Ray could hear the soft murmur of voices as he drifted in and out of consciousness. Despite the throbbing pain; Ray slowly attempted to open his eyes. His vision was blurred and distorted; he felt as if he were floating outside of himself. Was he dead? Before Ray could think anything further everything went black as he passed out again.

"No! Ray …. Come on stay with us." Carter yelled as he started compressions on Ray's chest.

"You have to fight this Ray" he mumbled under his breath and felt utterly relieved when he got a pulse again.

He quickly checked him over "weak carotid pulse … shallow breathing … multiple rib fractures … perhaps internal injuries…" whilst Luka worked at the ropes which were still holding Ray's hands behind his head in an impossible angle.

Ray began to wake out of his drunken-like state and swore he heard a familiar voice talking to him. Was that Carter? It couldn't be; Carter was dead, shot by some soldiers Ray thought.

Ray shuttered with pain and exhaustion when he felt his hands being untied and falling limp to his side.

Ray fought hard to open his eyes but found he didn't have the strength to do so.

Just then Ray felt the moist trickle of water touched his lips and mustering up what meagre energy he had left; he opened his parch lips to accept it.

After taking several small sips of water Ray finally found the strength to open his eyes. A warm sense of relief washed over him as his eyes focused on a familiar face.

"Carter?" he whispered disbelieving. "Is that really you?"

"Shh, don't speak. Just try to relax. Luka will be back with a gurney any second" Carter answered with a somewhat reassuring voice.

0-0-0-0-

Obviously Ray had been beaten badly and from the look of his body-shape they hadn't really paid attention to those life-depending things like food and fluids.

Under Rays torn clothes Carter could make out a mass of blue and darken bruises and cuts and the broken ribs were visible under his skin.

How he had survived this so long, seemed like a wonder to Carter.

Ray had tried to stay awake and focused, but now that the greatest threat was over, he felt physically and emotionally drained and had slipped into sleep soon after they had brought him back to the hospital and hooked to an IV.

"We can't stay here, Luka … we need to go back to Kinshasa. It isn't safe here and we can't really do much for him. He needs to be treated in a real hospital, needs more than just some fluids and painkillers." John stated.

"I know, but with the state of the streets I'm afraid we might cause even more damage." Luka sighed.

"Give him a chance, Luka. That is what we came here for. If we stay here he'll certainly die sooner or later with all these injuries. We have nothing to lose by trying. You survived it all these years ago too, remember?"

"Still it is a two hours drive over narrowed streets in a burning heat. It could agonize him."

"It can't more than anything else that has happened" Ray's softly voice drifted over to them.

"You know that John's right, Luka. We can't stay here. And I want to go as far away as possible – staying here and knowing that they could come back takes me the air to breathe" he added.

---------------------------

Reviews are always very much appreciated not matter if good or bad ...

We're on the way to a possible re-union of Ray and Neela, I'm pretty sure that is what you all wait for. So just bear with me a little longer.


	11. Chapter 11

**This takes place a month after Ray was set free. I thought about writing about his recovery back in Kinshasa, but then decided against it.**

**Hope you'll like** ...

Chapter 11

After arriving back home in Chicago Ray felt the only way he could avoid completely losing it was by getting back to work at County.

During the flight; Ray had asked Luka if he could be put back on the ER schedule as soon as possible.

Though Luka knew they could certainly use the help, he wasn't completely convinced that Ray was mentally and emotionally ready to return to his previous duties. He was doing well physically, but Luka knew that there was a lot more to it and though Ray sometimes talked about his time in the hands of the soldiers he knew he was holding a lot of it back.

Luka didn't blame him. He'd acted the same way after his own dreadful experiences in Africa, but he also knew that trying to forget didn't work, he needed to deal with it in a productive manner.

0-0-0-0-

Though part of Ray was anxious to get back to his old routine at County he admitted he was a little apprehensive and wondered how he would feel seeing everyone again after being more than four months away. Would they accept him back into the fold? Would they act weird around him due to what had happened to him over in Africa? Since bad news seemed to travel through County like a wild fire; he figured most of his colleagues probably new about his hostage situation. Regardless of their reaction to his homecoming; Ray knew that what he had gone through over there had changed him in more ways than he had thought possible.

0-0-0-0-

Ray was finally given the green light by Luka and Pratt to return to County. He hoped that work would distract him. If he wouldn't be able to still his reeling thoughts he'd surely go insane.

Three days later he was standing outside the building for what seemed like hours unsure of what was waiting for him behind the doors. He saw his colleagues running around and he knew they could use another hand, but though he had practically begged Luka to let him come back he wasn't so sure about it now.

Maybe a fresh start in a new city would have been the better choice. Then he wouldn't have to explain what happened to everyone. He wished he could just forget the whole experience but doing that was easier said than done.

0-0-0-0-

When someone touched his shoulder Ray almost jumped.

"I'm sorry Ray, I didn't mean to scare you, I thought you had heard me calling" Luka said.

"It's okay, I was lost in my thoughts" Ray replied.

"So how are you feeling?"

Ray shrugged nonchalantly. "Slowly getting there."

"Are you ready to go inside?" Luka asked.

"Yeah, let's go." But instead of walking he hesitated. "Luka? How did you …." he trailed off.

"How did I what? React to it?"

"No. Forget it, I was just … it's nothing."

0-0-0-0-

County was pretty much just as he had left it; the bustling activity of the ER; the familiar faces of the nurses and doctors; the faces he had left behind in his search for a new direction in his life.

Trying to put what had happened over in Darfur in the back of his mind; Ray dived head first into his work. Though on the outside he appeared for the most part normal; inside an emotional war was raging. He tried to get extra shifts so he wouldn't have to go home to an empty apartment; the silence and emptiness almost deafening but Luka was adamant about Ray coming back slowly and not to push himself too hard.

Not being able to sleep due to the graphic nightmares that would cause Ray to wake up frequently throughout the night in a cold sweat; he spent many of his hours away from County at the local bar. He knew drowning his problems in alcohol wouldn't help in the long run, but he didn't know how else to silence the voices of his torturers inside his head. Many nights Ray would either take a cab or just stumble his way home and crash immediately into a dead sleep once his head hit the pillow.

0-0-0-0-

Abby had kept Neela informed about every step of Rays recovery back in Kinshasa and that was why she knew all too well that he was back, even back at County – back to work.

Ever since she first learned he had returned from Africa she had willed herself to visit him, she even made it one time to his apartment, but before she could ring the doorbell her courage had left and she had fled back to the El.

"_God Neela, you're pathetic"_ she silently berated herself.

Deep down Neela knew why she was acting like that … she was scared.

So damn scared that she couldn't even be a friend to Ray and go to see how he was doing.

That was something she was deeply ashamed of, what only added to her uneasiness.

Admitting her feelings for Ray to Abby and in that progress to herself was one thing, but to express them to the person the were about was something completely different.

0-0-0-0-

Ray's feelings over not having had come in contact with Neela since he arrived back in Chicago were bittersweet. Part of him wanted desperately to see her; while the other was grateful that their paths hadn't crossed yet. Luka had admitted to him, that he had kept Abby updated on Ray's condition and recovery; that included Abby telling Neela as well about everything that had happened. Though he had been slightly angry at Abby and Luka for doing so, after he had thought the whole thing over further, he realized it was probably better that Neela knew the truth of what had happened to him. He knew he wasn't strong enough to deal with her now– he still felt too raw inside.

Later when he'd feel more confident he'd let himself think about her. Besides with how they had left things before he left for Africa; he didn't know if he still had a friend in her. Then there was that whole disaster with Gates. If she wanted to be with Tony, than she should be. The only thing that mattered to him was to erase these horrible memories somehow and get on with his life.

0-0-0-0-

Ray was so lost in his thoughts that he only just heard Luka calling him when he was standing right beside him.

"What?" he couldn't help feeling a bit embarrassed.

"You okay?" Luka asked slightly worried.

Ray had been doing well physically and with regards his work so far, but Luka knew that emotionally he was a mess. He had seen many of these absent, almost blank, stares into nothingness like the one just now and he was sure that in those moments Ray was far away with his thoughts.

"I said there was a trauma coming in about two minutes. An MVA; 25 year old female." Luka replied.

"Yeah, all right, I'll be waiting in trauma one if you don't need me outside"

"It's okay, go – Abby's already waiting for the paramedics."

The woman was wheeled in and the stats were rattled down. Ray concentrated on examining the victim's legs which were badly injured, because the woman got pulled under the car after she got hit. Ray tried hard to stay focused, but found him self more concentrate on keeping himself upright. The logic part of his brain told him he hadn't seen this woman before, that she was the victim of a car accident, not a mine, but she looked so familiar, so much like the one he had tried to save back in Darfur and couldn't because the soldiers came.

Within an instant his mind was back in the hospital in Africa. He could feel the heat and the humidity, heard him self begging Carter to try harder to keep the woman alive.

He could feel nausea rising and he began to sway. He felt hands grabbing for him, heard Sam and Abby in the background asking him if he was ok; their voices far off and muffled by the pounding of his ears and temples.

Despite efforts to get himself together so he could assist with the trauma; Ray was experiencing a full blown anxiety attack. He was gasping of air as the room began to spin and he felt as if the walls were closing in on him. Not being able to take it any longer, Ray left the room and stormed out of the building before he could collapse and leaned against the wall, panting heavily.

He tried to steady himself against the wall to keep from keeling over, taking deep breaths to calm down, but it felt like someone was strangling him.

Feeling absolutely drained; he slid to the ground and buried his head in this hands.

0-0-0-0-

Neela had been paged to the ER for a consult and was just exiting the elevator when she saw Ray rushing past her.

She called out to him, but he didn't hear her.

Deeply concerned, she had ran after him but was stopped by Sam coming out of trauma one on a run to get some drawn blood to the lab stat. They nearly collided in the hallway.

"Whoa Neela; slow down. The consult is in Trauma One."

"I need to go after Ray to make sure he's okay. Page Lucien to come down here and take over my consult"

Sam opened her mouth to argue, but Neela shot her a murderous look "Don't ask, just do it!"

0-0-0-0-

"Ray?" she approached him slowly, almost tentatively.

He flinched when she touched his arm and Neela immediately pulled back.

"What are you doing here?" his question came out harsher than he had intended.

Neela took in his haggard expression and the deep-dark circles under his eyes. He looked as if he hadn't slept for weeks. "I saw you running outside and wanted to make sure you're all right."

"I was just a little light headed that's all and I needed some fresh air. I'll be fine in a moment." Ray answered sardonically.

"Ray you don't look so good. Let me get Luka."

"I said I was fine Neela. Now don't you have a trauma to consult? Tell them I will be back in soon."

"Ray please…" she tried again, but was lost for words at the look he shot her.

"What is it Neela? Listen, I really don't feel like arguing with you, so just leave, okay?" he said slightly softer as if he hadn't the energy to fight

"I didn't come out here to argue Ray … I just want to… to help" She said somehow strained, thinking about every word.

"Don't pretend you care Neela."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh come on Neela. I've back in town for two weeks and you never even bothered to call or anything and now all of a sudden you want to know what's wrong."

She got up ready to go inside murmuring under her breath "Bullocks; why did you have to go to bloody Africa in the first place?"

His head shot up and his fists clenched "Why did I have to go to Africa? I thought it was obvious, but apparently once again I'm wrong" he nearly screamed.

When she tried to get a little closer again his outstretched arm stopped her dead in her tracks. "Leave!"

--------------------------------------------

What do you think? Slightly OOC for Ray to push Neela away or understandable in his situation?

Please press the little green button and let me know ...


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: nothing's mine

A/N I'm very sorry for the pretty long hiatus, but I've got kind of a writer's block. But I'm back now and I hope you all will enjoy the next installment.

**Chapter 12**

Neela slowly backed away, still watching Ray, waiting for a sign, any sign, from him that would tell her not to.

When nothing came she couldn't help but feel disappointed.

She knew deep inside that she had no right to feel that way. She had been the one who had pushed him away every time he had tried to talk to her, tried to be a friend to her.

She slowly made her way back inside, cursing her inability to be the person that he needed, instead she was taking the easy way out again.

She was a terrible friend, she knew that. It was obvious that Ray needed help, and instead of helping him herself she'd offered to call Luka.

_"You're the best friend I've ever had"_ she heard him say in her mind.

Right, if she'd been such a good friend, why wasn't she outside with him? Why couldn't she for once put her own feelings aside?

This wasn't about hurt feelings (yes she was hurt about his sudden departure) or wrong decisions in the past - this was about a man who had once been her best friend and who now needed her more than ever.

0-0-0-0-

Still thinking, Neela reached the admitting area, bumping into Greg who stood there talking intensely to Luka.

"You know that I'm right Luka. Ray needs professional help - more help than we can give him."

Luka sighed "You're right, I ... I just wished he would open up to me or to someone else for that matter. I know exactly what he's going through, but I can't help him if he won't let me."

"That's why I say he needs to speak to psych. What Ray endured isn't something that some well-meant advices can wipe away. You didn't see him in there Luka, I did." Greg added.

"Wait, you can't decide this over Ray's head." Neela butted in. "I've been outside, I've seen him and you're right he's a mess, but don't you think you should at least ask him before you make the decision for him?" she asked angrily.

Neela wasn't really annoyed by their discussion, she knew what they were saying was right, but she desperately needed to let out her own frustration at the situation and they were right at hand.

0-0-0-0-

Whilst all her colleagues were wondering what was best for Ray, Abby did the only thing that was necessary at that moment.

She shook her head in utter disbelief; what the hell was wrong with all of them, why wasn't anyone going to see how Ray was.

In his current state of mind Abby feared that Ray could completely loose it and try to hurt himself.

When she got through the doors and didn't see him immediately she was sure that her fears were right. If he had left he could have gone anywhere and Abby really felt he shouldn't be alone. She knew Ray was drinking too much. He'd never shown up at work drunk, but she knew the symptoms all too well and ending up in some random bar wouldn't make things any better.

After she rounded the next corner she saw him sitting at a nearby bench, starring blankly ahead.

When she got closer he said hoarsely "I told you to leave."

"I can't. You shouldn't be alone."

Ray looked in her direction "Abby, hey. I thought it was someone else."

He somehow managed to give her a small smile.

"You thought it would be Neela?" Abby asked, but it was more a statement than a question. She only had to look at him to know the answer.

Ray simply nodded.

0-0-0-0-

"You should go home, you can't work in the state you are in right now."

"No, I'll be back in a second. I can't go home. Don't you get it? I need work to distract me" he burst out, silently adding "I just need to forget"

"What happened in the trauma room, Ray?" Abby asked.

He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. It was sticky and I felt lightheaded. I figured it would be better to leave."

"You seem to forget that I was in there, too. So ..." she waited.

"That injured woman reminded me of someone. You feel better now?" Ray asked her angrily.

"This isn't about me feeling better. Ever since you returned from Africa you've worked like a lunatic, more than anyone else. Maybe this is a sign for you to slow it down a bit. And you know that you should talk to someone. You won't get better on your own."

He ignored the last sentence and said "It's been a long day. You're right, I should go home"

Deep inside Ray knew that Abby was right. He had lied to her - and known she saw right through him - about not knowing what happened in the trauma-room. The flashbacks, the nightmares, the panic-attack were all signs of post-traumatic stress.

If this was a patient's case he would have called down a psychological consult without a second thought. He'd tell them that it would help to talk. It wasn't hollow words, he believed it really helped, but he wasn't ready to talk yet. He wasn't even sure he would ever be... too many bad memories of brutal beatings, agony, terrifying endless days of waiting for death that never came.

0-0-0-0

Abby went back inside to change.

When she walked into the lounge she saw Neela sitting on the couch with her head in her hands.

"Did you talk to him?" Neela asked softly without looking up.

"So you noticed I went outside?" Abby answered the question with another one.

This whole situation was slowly making her furious. Abby pinned Neela down with narrowed eyes - trying hard to keep her temper low.

"Yeah I did, but Ray rather expected you to come back." she growled.

"No, he didn't. He pushed me away, told me to leave." Neela retorted.

"God Neela, what did you think he would do? Run to you to confess his undying love?"

"Of course not ... I don't know what I've expected."

"You promised me that you would honestly be there for Ray when he returned, but once again you're shying away. I've sent him home. Your shift is over, you can go visit him and finally talk. NOW." With that Abby all but pushed her out.

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Thanks for reading guys - now please press the little button and let me know what you think.


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: nothing's changed, so still not mine

**A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing the last chapter! It means so much to me!**

**Reese, extra für dich ein schnelles update! :P **

**Jen, thanks for helping me out again, I really appreciate it. **

**Hope everyone's gonna enjoy the next chapter. **

**CHAPTER 13**

After contemplating visiting Ray for the whole of the EL journey, Neela found herself once more standing in front of the building that had once been her home.

She decided against taking the elevator, needing the time the stairs took to figure out what she was going to do.

She was halfway up the stairs, when all her courage left her and she raced back down to the hallway – to the partially safety it offered.

_'What the hell are you doing? You're not a child – stop acting like you were' s_he chastised herself.

Neela slowly started climbing the stairs again. She was playing for time and she was well aware of it.

She knew that Abby was right, but knowing that and making a decision about it were completely different things.

Still needing more time, she lingered outside the door for what seemed like hours trying to find the inner strength to ring the bloody bell.

Finally, she took one last deep breath to stop the shaky feeling, and to pull herself together. She had promised to help Ray, now it was time she stopped talking and acted on it. She reached out to press the bell.

0-0-0-0-

When Ray didn't open the door after several tries she felt relief, mixed with a sense of shame, wash over her. Relief because she didn't need to talk to him as he obviously wasn't at home, and shame for feeling relieved about that.

She turned around, planning to take the elevator this time, when another thought struck her – what if he was at home, but had done something to harm himself?

Images of him outside the hospital earlier that day flashed before her. She had never seen him like that before – he had looked broken, completely broken.

0-0-0-0-

Neela started pounding the door frantically "Open the bloody door, Ray, please" she cried.

After a moment she remembered that they'd kept a spare key hidden above the door-frame when she had lived there.

Sliding it into the keyhole she tried to steady herself for what was awaiting her when the door sprang open.

She saw bloodied or wounded people every day, but this would be different – he was a friend. No, not just a friend – the man she'd been in love with for as long as she could remember.

For a moment she felt helpless as memories of her time in this apartment came flooding back to her and she closed her eyes.

Memories of watching Celebrity poker, drinking beer, memories of them cuddled together on the couch watching some horror-chick-flick – memories of a better, an easier time.

Neither of them had thought that it would ever come to this, that they would ever drift apart like they had.

As Neela went deeper into the apartment she saw him passed out on the couch, a half-empty bottle of Tequila standing on the table right in front of him. And for the second time that night she felt relieved – nothing had happened to him, he was just drunk.

He would have a hell of a hang-over the next morning, but otherwise he'd be fine.

_'Nothing had happened?' _That annoying little voice inside her head screamed at her.

'_Look at him, that is not nothing.'_

0-0-0-0-

Neela stood there for a while, watching him sleep. She had considered waking him, but by the looks of it he hadn't slept for weeks and she decided against it.

When she pulled a blanket over him he began to stir, murmuring incomprehensible words which soon led to him tossing and screaming.

"Ray! You need to wake up! It's a dream" Neela shook him slightly.

When he jolted awake she jumped aside.

His breathing was uneven and came in short gasps as he looked at Neela, not seeing her, still caught up in the hell of his nightmare.

She felt completely numb as she helplessly watched him trying to break free from his dream. She was fairly sure that it was much more than a nightmare – more a reminder of his time at the hands of torturers. Had it been like this since he returned?

It took a few more minutes before his breathing became more regular. He stared at the ceiling his eyes squinted against the sudden light until he noticed her standing beside him.

"Neela ..." he trailed off, not exactly sure what he should say to her. _What the hell is she doing here?_

He got up and walked over to the kitchen "I need some coffee, you want some?"

'_You don't need coffee, dude, what you need is something completely different – you need the woman who's currently standing there in your living-room.'_

He pushed that thought aside. He might need her, but that didn't mean she needed him as well. She had made it perfectly clear that she didn't feel anything for him, that she didn't even care for him as a friend anymore, when she had chosen Gates over him.

Ray felt anger flash up inside him as the images of her and Gates came back to him.

"Care to explain what you're doing here? I thought I made it clear that there's no need for you to suddenly pretend we'd be friends." he hissed.

When she didn't say anything he spat "What is it Neela? Gates already dumped you?"

"Ray ..." she looked stricken.

"What....?

Look, I didn't mean that, I'm sorry, okay?" he said, softer now.

_'Yes you mean it'_ she thought.

"What do you mean, Gates dumped me? How do you ….?"

"How do I know? I saw you two Neela, and you didn't look as if you were disliking what he was doing."

He sounded so bitter telling her that and she cringed. "Tony and I – we're done."

He felt the anger rushing back to him and his intention to be careful slipped "So, that's why you're here? Because you need someone new to play with?"

He knew that with every word he was crushing her and it made him wince inside, but months full of pain and suffering were finally finding a release and now that he'd started he couldn't stop.

"Ray, please, you know that isn't true." Her eyes burned with unshed tears and she turned them upward to relieve the stinging.

So that was how much she had hurt him. Her stomach knotted with guilt and she knew she should leave before things would get worse.

"You're running away again, I see. You're getting really good at that, Neela." Ray shouted after her when she fled from him.

He hit the door with his fist "Dammit Neela!"

With the anger and fury leaving all he could feel were loss and dispair.

"Don't leave me, I need you" he whispered into the emptiness.

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**You know you want to hit the button, so please do it.**


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: not mine as usual

**Thank you guys for all the nice and supportive reviews I got so far, they made me all warm inside! **

**Thanks to MonaDelMar for her help and a BIG hug to Jenny for being so sweet and encouraging all the time - love you girl!**

**CHAPTER 14**

Neela couldn't say how she made it home.

She remembered leaving Ray, but everything after that had gone by like a fuzzy dream.

She hadn't seen the pitiful and strange looks of the other passengers in the EL nor had she heard voices asking her if she was all right.

All she could do to stop herself from falling apart was to shut it all out, pretend she didn't hear or see, it was the only way she could hold herself together.

Almost immediately after Neela reached her apartment she broke down.

Harsh sobs racked her body and the tears she had tried to hold back were streaming down her face.

As much as she tried to convince herself otherwise, she couldn't fight the feeling that she had just blown her last chance of true happiness and that she couldn't blame anyone, but herself and her stupid damn pride.

After what seemed like hours Neela finally fell asleep – Ray's accusing eyes following her into her dreams.

0-0-0-0-

When Ray stumbled through the doors of County the next morning he barely had enough energy to keep his eyes open.

He'd almost called in sick, but that would have given him too much time to think about last night.

"Morning" he whispered tiredly.

"Here, you look like you could do with this" Abby said handing him a coffee. "Rough night?"

"You have no idea!"

0-0-0-0-

After Neela had left he'd been in despair. Not even in his darkest hours in Africa had he felt this bad, the memory of her had always helped him to get through them.

Now with her gone that last ray of light had gone with her and all that was left was gloom.

She had come to him for a reason, and he'd let his anger stop himself from finding out what that was.

Why hadn't he just let her talk? Ray had asked himself that question about a million times.

He'd even tried to convince himself that he'd been too drunk to handle everything right, but if he was honest he had done it on purpose – he'd wanted to hurt her as much as she had hurt him.

The image of her falling face when he had accused her of only searching for a new toy had been haunting him since the very moment he'd opened his mouth, and as much as he tried he couldn't seem to erase it.

What had come over him to tell her something like that? How could he yell at her for running away when it was him who had run first? He knew he'd done nothing but flee when he had seen Neela and Gates in the conference room. He might call it differently but frankly in the end it came down to him running from his feelings.

He had briefly played with the idea of downing the rest of the bottle to numb his mind, and stop the never-ending circle of questions he didn't have the answer for, but he couldn't find the energy to get up again, let alone walk over to the couch.

Besides he was already drunk and he couldn't afford to show up drunk at work.

So in the end, all he had done was sit, leaning on the wall he had slid down, wondering when and why his life had spiraled out of his control.

This certainly wasn't what he had dreamed of.

He'd watched the night turn into day, hoping that the new day wouldn't be as dreadful as the others were.

0-0-0-0-

"Ray..." Abby waved a hand in front of his face.

"Did you even listen to what I was saying?"

"Huh? Sorry, what did you say?" He glanced at her, shrugging an apology.

"I asked if you want to talk about it."

"Listen Abby I know you only want to help, but ..."

Ray was cut off abruptly as Chuny stormed into the lounge calling out "Abby, your patient is crashing again"

"Shit! We'll talk later. I'll come and find you" Abby called over her shoulder, already on her way.

He hoped that the day would bring so many traumas that he could bury himself into work.

0-0-0-0-

It was the end of his shift when Ray saw Abby again.

"So ..." she waited for him to talk.

"So what?"

Abby grunted "Don't give me that, Ray. You know exactly what I mean."

"Do I?"

Abby shot him such a black look that he didn't dare play stupid anymore.

"Listen Abby, last night was shit, but nothing that's worth talking about, okay?"

"Do you know that Luka and Pratt want you to see a psychologist?"

"What? Why?" Ray asked slightly confused. Obviously he wasn't playing his role as perfectly as he had thought.

_Would it really be that bad to see someone who wasn't involved into this whole mess?_ he asked himself.

It wasn't like he hadn't consider this before and maybe if he could get his mind around the hostage-situation and was able to deal with it and its aftermath in a productive manner, maybe then he'd be able to get his own life back on track and could fight for Neela.

He sighed and then said barely above a whisper "I'm trying to get better, I really am, I just need more time to cope with everything and …."

"And what, Ray?" Abby urged.

"Nothing, forget it."

What was the point of coping anyway now that he had blown the last chance he might have had with her?

Back in the jungle he had fought to survive, because he had convinced himself he had a reason to come home, but now he wasn't that sure anymore. Maybe it would have been better if he had just died there and then.

_'Get a grip Barnett. Since when do you think that death would be a better outcome?'_

He had to close his mind to those thoughts immediately, they weren't who he was.

0-0-0-0-

On his way out of the hospital he almost collided with Neela who was rushing in.

They both stood there rooted to the spot, their eyes locked trying to say what words couldn't.

"Ray" Neela whispered, but he shook his head and began to walk away.

Neela caught him on his arm "Please stay ... last night … I"

"You what, Neela? Listen, this isn't the right time to talk. You're running late for work and I..."

He took a deep breath "We'll do it later, okay?"

---------------------------------

So we're making progress, just bear with me a little longer and their long-overdue talk will happen sometime soon.

Does anybody know how old Ray was in back in season 13? Thanks in advance.

Now please review and let me know what you think :P


	15. Chapter 15

disclaimer: you know the drill by now

**Reese sweetie, not exactly a locked room, but maybe I'll consider that next chapter :P**

**Jenny - thanx babe! Without you as my beta I'd be lost. I really hope everything will turn out well - for both of you! As well as for us, wouldn't want to miss that chance, not for anything in the world.**

**To all your lovely readers out there, thanks so much for keeping interest and esp for reviewing. It means more than I can say.**

**Chapter 15**

Ray slowly walked over to the El and started climbed the stairs – still deep in his thoughts.

He wasn't sure why he had offered to talk to Neela later, but at that moment it had felt right and the fact that she had tried to stop him from walking away had given him new hope that he might have another chance with her, that everything wasn't lost yet.

Ray wished that he and Neela were, for once, able to be honest with each other and address all their problems openly.

But even this renewed hope couldn't keep him from feeling completely exhaustied. He knew it was partly because he had worked harder than every one since he'd returned from Africa, but mostly it was because his inner turmoil wouldn't allow him to sleep peacefully.

Again the thought of seeing a psychologist entered his mind.

He couldn't keep living with this pain and fear, it wasn't just things with Neela, everything that had happened in Darfur was weighing down on him, dragging him into a deep depression that he didn't know how to get out of.

If he sincerely hoped for a good relationship with the woman of his dreams then he had to handle it soon.

He was about half way up the stairs to the platform when a young man came running down chased by another one.

Though Ray tried to jump aside he couldn't avoid the collision and was knocked over.

He felt his foot slip off the step and tried to grab for the railing, but his fingers only grabbed at thin air and he fell sideways into the railings, his head colliding with the metal.

For a moment his world was spinning so fast that he thought he'd be sick.

He closed his eyes and took some deep breaths to stop the nausea.

When he felt a bit better he tried to slowly sit up, but the spinning instantly started again and he leaned back.

Ray groaned slightly. Could this day really get any worse?

„Don't move, Sir" a beautiful red-haired woman beside him said. „I'm calling 911, the paramedics will be here soon."

Ray stopped her with a wave of his hand. "I'm fine. Don't bother."

"You hit your head pretty hard" she tried again. "County isn't far, you really should have someone look at this if you won't wait for the ambulance."

He wanted to refuse again, but he already felt a pounding headache spreading from the back of his head and the spinning hadn't fully stopped yet, so maybe it wasn't a bad idea after all.

Abby should still be on duty – she could take a quick look and see if he needed something more than some painkillers and an ice-pack and then finally he'd be able to go home and sleep.

"Okay" he eventually gave in. "I'll walk over and let someone look at it."

"Do you want me to accompany you? You're still swaying a bit and you look really pale. You know, you shouldn't go alone."

Earlier Ray had noticed that she was very attractive, even considered flirting with her, but now he felt only irritated by her persistent offer to help.

0-0-0-0-

As soon as they reached the ambulance bay he thanked her and practically fled inside, almost laughing at himself. He really had changed so much – Neela had changed him that much.

"Barnett, weren't you supposed to leave a while ago?" he heard Frank ask as he quickly crossed the admitting area.

"Did you see Abby?"

"Am I your personal assistant now?" Frank mumbled.

"Try the doctor's lounge" he then added, but Ray was already on his way.

"Ray, what are you doing here? Didn't you leave a while ago?" Abby asked looking puzzled.

Before Ray could respond a new wave of dizziness washed over him and he needed to grip the back of a nearby chair to keep himself from falling.

Abby watched all the color drain from his face and immediately jumped into Doctor mode. "Ray! Ray, what's wrong?"

She helped him taking a seat on the couch and quickly checked him over. His pulse was racing, but without any further equipment she couldn't find the cause of it.

"Ray come on, I need to get you checked out. You think you can walk or do you want me to get a gurney?"

Ray breathed heavily trying to speak around the nausea and the nearly unbearable headache.

"I fell … stairs of the El … knocked over … my head"

"You've hit your head?" Abby asked for confirmation and he nodded.

"All right, let's get you in a trauma room and order a CT scan."

With that she called for Sam to bring her a gurney and help him on it.

Ray couldn't help feeling slightly embarrassed. He hated being helpless, but the pain in his head overpowered any other feeling at the moment.

0-0-0-0-

When they rushed him through the hall they went past Neela who had been coming down for a coffee-break with Abby.

"Ray? What the hell has happened?" she cried out, completely shocked.

"He fell down the stairs and hit his head, probably caused a concussion or worse." Abby explained.

"We need a CT scan over here, now" Abby shouted. "Come on guys, he's slipping into unconsciousness."

Neela stood in the middle of the room - only watching him - frozen and unable to move and give Abby a hand.

This was a bad dream, this wasn't happening. She had talked to him only an hour ago, had felt better than she had in weeks over the prospect of speaking to him and sorting things out.

"Neela, I could really need your help over here." Abby yanked her out of her daze.

When Abby was ready to intubate him he opened his eyes again. He looked completely confused trying to understand what had happened. How had he landed here? He hadn't any recollection of the past minutes. The last thing he remembered was standing in the Doctor's lounge.

He was about to ask her when Neela appeared at his side and took his hand in hers as if it was the most natural thing in the world to do. Now he was really worried. Obviously something serious was wrong with him, he thought with one look at their entwined fingers and then her terrified face.

"Neela" he whispered his voice laced with emotions. If this was a dream then he hoped to never wake up again.

When he tried to sit up she gently pushed him back. "Don't. We've done a CT, please wait until we have the results."

He leaned back and tried to relax. A part of him longed to find out what had happened, but the other one was relishing the feeling of being so close to her.

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Good or bad, too cheesy at the end maybe? What do you think? Please press the green button and let me know ...


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: you all know the drill by now

**A/N: **I'm genuinely sorry for taking such a long time to finish this chapter, but I was struggling with real life. So I'm back now though and I hope you all will like the next bit ...

A **MASSIVE** Thank you to all of you who took the time to read and esp review. It all means so much to me!

As always a **BIG** hug to the best beta ever, thanks Jen.

CHAPTER 16

Abby was back with the results of the CT within minutes though Ray hadn't even noticed her leaving the room. Neela still sitting next to him was all he needed at this moment.

"The CT is clear. But you know you should stay here overnight for observation, don't you?"

Ray grimaced, but nodded. He knew Abby was right, there was always the chance of complications after a head-trauma.

"Sorry this isn't exactly what I'd planned for us tonight" he whispered, looking apologetically at Neela.

Neela ignored the curious look Abby shot them and reassured him that it would be fine, that it was more important that he got better. They could speak any where as long as they finally did it.

She shook her head, she'd been running away for so long, so where did this sudden eagerness to talk to him come from?

Ray fought to stay awake, his eyes growing heavier with each minute that passed. He was afraid that she would be gone when he woke up again, but the tiredness was overwhelming - he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer and slowly drifted off to sleep.

Neela squeezed his hand, letting him know that she wasn't going anywhere, though she knew that as soon as he was asleep she had to speak to Dubenko. Her break had been over for quite some time and she knew she was supposed to be up in the OR again.

She debated with herself for a while and then got up. She would call her attending, he'd understand, someone else could cover for her. This was more important than another operation, Ray was more important than her career or anything else for that matter.

She slowly freed her hand from his and felt him stir in his sleep, but he didn't wake up. She would be back in a second, she tried to convince herself, he would never know.

0-0-0-0-

On her way out she almost crashed into Abby who was coming back to check on her patient.

"Neela! Have you two finally decided to talk about your problems?" Abby questioned, looking quizzical.

Neela took a shuddering breath, all of her former confidence leaving her in that one moment as Abby looked her straight in the eye.

"Oh no, please don't tell me you're running away again. You were so sure in there, what the hell happened?" Abby glared at her.

"Nothing all right." Neela snapped. "He's asleep. I just wanted to call Dubenko and ask him to cover my shift."

"It's already done. You can go back."

"Thanks' her voice broke 'I didn't want to snap at you, I ...I"

Suddenly she felt overwhelmed with angst and guilt rolling into one. It was her fault that he was lying there – she had done that to him, no one else but her; she had pushed him away over and over again. He had gone to Africa because of her, the only two men she had ever loved in her life had gone to war, because her love wasn't strong enough to keep them here. Not only had she lost her husband, but she'd destroyed Ray's life as well. No she couldn't go back to him. He was better off without her. She had caused him nothing but pain.

Her shoulders hunched as she turned around and slowly started walking towards the elevators. She wouldn't do it anymore. She would leave him now and let him find true happiness. She didn't deserve to be with him, what she deserved was that self-created mess she had built up as her so called "life". Her work, her books and those very few friends she hadn't pushed away yet - but probably would sooner or later - were all she could hope for.

"Neela! What the hell? Neela, wait … where are you going?" Abby came rushing over to her. She turned Neela sharply around and looked at her tear-stained face.

"I can't be with him, Abby. He deserves better than me." she screamed somewhat hysterical.

"Don't you think you should let him decide?" Abby asked quietly.

"He loves you Neela, he needs you."

"But ..."

"No buts, please go back."

Neela took some deep steadying breaths to regain her composure and stop the tears which were streaming down her cheeks. What the hell should she do?

"If I'm going to see him again, I'm doing the right thing, aren't I? You are my friend, you'd tell me if I was making a mistake, right?"

"Honey, you're doing exactly the right thing. Now go and splash some cold water in your face and then so back inside, preferable before he wakes up."

0-0-0-0-

Ray rose from his slumber with the vague feeling of something amiss.

Still somewhat submerged in sleep it took him a while to register that he was alone.

He shook his head in frustration. Rationally Ray knew there were tons of reasons why she wasn't here, this was a hospital after all and she had to work, but he was so tired of being understanding. She had promised she would be here, again she had given him hope, and had then taken it away.

He felt hot tears pricking at the corner of his eyes and wiped them away angrily. He couldn't do this anymore. He loved her with every fiber of his being, but he couldn't - wouldn't – wait forever. If he had learned one thing in Darfur then it was that life was too short and too precious to string it along.

He leaned back into his pillow and closed his eyes to regain control. He could live without her, it would take time, but he could handle that. He had been through worse.

0-0-0-0-

Neela watched him through the window of the door. He appeared asleep, his face turned toward the wall.

"Ray?" she slowly approached him and cringed visibly when he kept his eyes squeezed shut, feigning sleep.

"Ray, would you please look at me?" Neela pleaded.

He turned halfway around.

"And now what?" he asked so silently that she almost didn't hear him.

Neela took the chair standing next to his bed and sat down. She considered taking his hand again, but he looked so dismissive that she didn't dare to.

0-0-0-0-

Ray watched her for a while, waiting for her to say something. She looked fragile and somewhat lost, as if she had to carry a heavy burden.

He wanted to reach out and tell her that she was going to be alright, that he would help her become happy again.

But he stopped himself from doing it. He couldn't give her another chance to break his heart again, for once this was about him.

When she finally spoke he had to lean in to understand her.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here when you woke up. I know I promised, but I had to go to the OR and tell Dubenko I wouldn't come back today."

"Neela, do you really want to be here with me? Because if you aren't certain about it you had better leave now." He inquired, afraid of what her answer might be.

"What? Why? I … I...." Neela stuttered, completely lost for words.

No she wouldn't go, she was determined to make this right. She had made so many mistakes, had missed so many chances, because she had always chosen the safer, easier, option. This time she was certain that he was worth taking a risk for. She pushed the fear that was creeping into her mind aside and straightened her spine. She felt completely calm and confident of herself. Love was worth it.

Smiling she said "I won't leave – I can't. I love you, Ray."

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Please leave me a review and let me know what you think - reviews are so supportive!


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: not mine and that unfortunately will never change

A/N: I'm incredible sorry for the huge delay, perhaps the most of you were thinking I had abandoned that, but I haven't. So here's chapter 17. Hope you'll enjoy it and if you guys could leave a review you'd make me genuinely happy. Okay I'm rambling and I had better stop this.

As always a HUGE big bear hug to the best beta ever - love you Jen!

**CHAPTER 17**

Too caught up in an attempt to brace himself for yet another rejection , Ray didn't hear her at first, but slowly her words registered in his mind, letting his heart take a double beat.

He had waited to hear those words for so long, yet he couldn't truly believe her.

The thought of finally having her back in his life in a way he hadn't thought possible anymore was almost too good to be true. But just the same it terrified him. She had broken him to pieces the last time she had left and he wasn't sure he would survive another round of pain.

Neela felt the old uncertainty come rushing back to her – fully consuming her - when he didn't say anything, not even looking at her. Maybe they all were wrong, she had told him, but it was too late. She had waited for too long, had hurt him too much.

Then she remembered Abby's words. Her friend had been so sure about this, so she clung to the mere strength this former conversation had given her. It was all she could do to not run away again.

Shakily she put her fingers at his cheek. She felt him tense and pulled back as if she had been burned. She needed to get out of here.

"Stay!" he heard himself whisper.

"Neela, I ..." to be lost for words seemed to become a regular baseline where she was concerned.

"Why now? Why after all this time?" he tried again his voice wavering ever so slightly.

Ray knew that Michael's death had shaken her deeply, but he couldn't quite get past the things she'd let happen since.

"There were other chances, Neela. You know I have always been here for you. Jesus, all I've ever wanted was to be your friend." he raised his voice.

"I know that now. I wanted to tell you, wanted to sort things out, when I returned home from England, but then I found out that you'd left." She matched his loudness easily although she had sworn to stay calm.

Ray took some deep breathes to steady his shattered nerves. "I couldn't stay. It was too much to see you every day and to know that there wasn't a chance to be with you. I needed time for myself, because I didn't recognize me anymore. You've changed me and then you left and I had no idea how to live with that and most of all it hurt like hell to see you with him. I lost my best friend and the woman I fell in love with at once."

"I'm sorry, I truly am. I was so wrapped up in my own misery that I didn't see what I put you through. When Michael died, he took away all my dreams of a happy future. Deep down I may have known that despite the fact that we loved each other he loved the army just as much. I had waited for him, had put my own life on a hold and then when I thought we finally got a chance to be together for real he went back. I felt so guilty, because there I was, having my husband fighting off in a war when I began to realize that I loved spending time with you, because you knew me better than my own husband did.

I had to move out, had to keep you at distance, because I was slowly falling for you. Even if I hadn't physically betrayed him – and never would have - in my dreams I had and I felt so damn guilty for that. Then he died and and my dreams of the perfect life were shattered. I couldn't turn to you because that would have meant a chance for happiness and I didn't deserve that." she cried.

Ray reached up to wipe her tears away. She needed to realise that his death was caused by some terrible war and that she needed to let go of her self created punishment, but she brushed his hand away harshly.

"Please let me finish ..." _I might never have the courage again _she completed in her mind.

"You have to understand that I've so badly wanted was to run to you, but I couldn't. Then Tony happened and suddenly there was someone to fill the emptiness. It was easy, because he was new, we didn't have a history. It was never meant to last long. But he was there when I so desperately needed someone to fill these cold and lonely nights. That argument that we had before we both left … you were right, but I couldn't admit it back then. Because again it would have meant facing the truth."

Ray had deserved this explanation no matter the consequences ... and there was still so much else to say, but at this moment Neela felt emotionally drained.

0-0-0-0-0

"I made an appointment with Carl Peterson later that day" Ray said into the silence a while later.

"Peterson? The psychologist?" Neela looked up astonished.

Despite himself Ray laughed slightly, before becoming earnest again. "I can't continue living like this. I have to come to terms with what happened in Darfur. God, it only was meant as a break, some time away from County to put my life into perspective again. I hoped that I could make a difference for those people over there. Certainly I underestimated the danger or perhaps I chose to simply ignore it, because I was driven by the prospect of something new, but never had I imagined what eventually occurred."

As images of those times in the hand of his ruthless tormentors flashed his mind, his breath quickened and he screwed his eyes shut tightly. The anguish he was feeling was etched into his features though. It took him all of his willpower to push them back.

"Will you tell me what happened there some day?" Neela gently asked.

Not really trusting his voice he only nodded.

0-0-0-0-

Standing in the door-frame Abby said smiling at the sight of them still together "Ray, Peterson called. Said he would be coming down here in a couple of minutes. He just needed to finish his other case."

She was glad Ray had finally decided to take professional help.

"That's okay. Thanks Abby." Ray answered with much more confidence than he felt. In fact he was scared as hell.

0-0-0-0-0

After Abby closed the door he turned to Neela.

Searching for the right words not to destroy what they had just so carefully re-build he slowly told her "I'd rather speak to him alone."

"I really want to make this work, but give me some time." he pleaded.

Neela wasn't much surprised as she had already expected him to say that. She kissed him tenderly and whispered "I'm outside if you need me."

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Hopefully you like it ....

We're pretty close to the climax now and I feel that there isn't much more to say, so maybe there are one or two more chapters to add.


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